Today is the day after Thanksgiving, and I have to say, I ate well yesterday and enjoyed every mouthful without guilt. There is no place for guilt in my life and shouldn't be for anyone else either. Guilt is negative and doesn't accomplish a thing. I must state however that guilt and conscience are not one in the same, nor do I imply that. With a good conscience, I act to right a wrong, and that is what this blog is also about. I am righting the wrong that I have done to myself, allowing myself to become fat and unhealthy. I love myself enough to forgive "Me" for doing this to myself. I am vowing to live a healthier lifestyle, paying attention to my needs, loose weight, and hopefully I can encourage others along the way to be the best that they can be.
A few days ago, my best friend Pat and I were Skyping and we both decided to buddy up and to encourage each other in this process. Years ago in Seattle, Pat and I started a diet and an exercise agenda together and in one month's time, we felt and looked fantastic. Our spirits were high and it wasn't that hard because we supported each other and shared in the same path. This is what we plan to accomplish again.
But as I prepare to start out, I feel as though I must confess as to how I have gotten to this point. Recognition, responsibility, forgiveness, and loving oneself, is the key to successful weight loss. This journey is not going to be easy and I do not expect miracles. Will I slip and eat things that I shouldn't? Of course I will, I am only human and I refuse to give up all the wonderful foods that I love. But the key is using moderation, and when I fall I will get back on the horse, so to speak, and forgive myself and go forward. This is not going to be just a diet, but rather a life changing event.
During the course of my life, I had always considered myself to be fat and as a result, I have been on a perpetual diet on and off since I was 15 years old. In reality, most of my life I was not fat at all and actually had a good shape and I was a nice weight. However due to dieting, I practically starved myself at times to get down to the ever so popular look of being skinny, since the rave over Twiggy in the 1960's. Obviously the media has played havoc with peoples lives in so many ways, especially women, as they have set the standards as to how a woman should look. In the real world, most women are over weight and never feel like they measure up to what is suppose to be beautiful. How sad.
I have never been the kind of person that would loose weight if I were stressed or depressed, but just the opposite. If something upsets me, or if I feel stress or depression, I can easily out eat a 350 pound Line Backer. Even still, most of my life I could maintain a nice weight, though my dress sizes would fluctuate between sizes 3 to 9. If I ever went over a size 9, I would consider myself to be obese. Unrealistic thought process, don't you think? Now I wear a size 14 most of the time and in some cases a 16.
Fat to me has always been repulsive, as it is to most people these days, yet we are a nation with the highest rate of obesity in the world. I never felt repulsed by others' weight, only my own. My father was very round with a belly like Santa Claus, and I did not find him repulsive at all, actually I always thought he was cute and jolly. My mother, although she was very thin and tall until she was about 45 years old, gained a lot of weight, mostly in the rear section and belly, but I was not as accepting of it from her as I was of Dad. That is something I feel bad about now. I didn't like seeing Mom with all the extra pounds and I felt she could have controlled herself better, especially because she was addicted to sweets. My father was a wonderful cook and as a result, we really knew good food and not only did I learn to cook really well, but also to eat too much of it.
About 10 to 15 years ago, I really started to worry about weight when my sister began to get heavy. At first I thought it was because of the steroids her doctor prescribed for her ulcerative colitis. Although the steroids certainly had an adverse effect on her, my sister would say to me, "Wait until you reach your mid 40's, you'll see the weight gain and it won't come off so easily. I hated to hear her say that to me, and although I said to myself, "NOWAY," I always worried she may be right. As it turned out, I did start gaining in my 40's, but I got it back under control and although I was not "skinny," I looked healthy and good.
In 2005 at the age of 50 years old, Vito and I got married. I look at my wedding pictures now and I know I was a nice weight for my age during that time, I had a great figure and I didn't just feel pretty, I was pretty. I was fit and trim for the wedding. My husband, like my father is quite overweight . He also loves good food and he is a great cook, and like me he eats a lot. I thought I would not have a problem being around him and not gain weight, but what could I have been thinking? I started to gain weight right away and in the first year of our marriage, I gained 10 pounds. That's not too terrible one might think, except we have been married now for almost five years and I have gained 10 pounds every year except the past two years, and then I gained 15 pounds for the past two years each. That is a total of 60 pounds in five years! At this rate, I am a walking time bomb for diabetes, heart disease, stroke, cancer and a whole array of health issues, not to mention that all of those diseases run in my family and I already am suffering from joint pain.
I need to state something clearly at this point. Although it is true that my husband has a weight problem too, he is not responsible for my weight gain. No one forced me to eat like a horse; I did that all by myself. With that being said, let me also state that it is much easier to maintain and eat normal healthy diet with encouragement or with another person. Also it is true that once a woman reaches that menopausal age, weight gain often happens naturally during that time. To add to my weight gain, I have had a huge amount of stress over the course of the past couple of years. It has been proven that stress is a leading cause of weight gain. Not only am I stressed like others over the economy, but I dislike my job, although grateful for the work during these difficult times, but it is a stressful and depressing job, and not what I wish to be doing at my age. My husband and I have also had our ups and downs over the past year, and we both have shared the problem of aging parents with illnesses. Vito's father passed away last year after a terrible illness, where Vito was the primary caregiver, and Mom is a three time cancer survivor now living alone in a different state, not in good health. I worry about her, and when I worry what do I do? I eat, and then eat some more.
Now I know that sounds like excuses, but every one of those things helped to drive me into a deep depression. Although I was functional, depressed none the less: I wasn't sleeping good, my sex drive diminished, I did not want to be in New Jersey, some of the time I wasn't happy with my marriage, I missed my family and friends, hated my job, and I ate everything in sight. Not to mention that I have been know to raid the refrigerator during evening hours. Am I obese? Yes I am, I know it and admit it.
Finally a little over a year ago, I took action. I joined weight watchers. I thought for sure I would loose weight as I suck to it religiously for a while, only I did not loose weight! To top it off Vito was griping at me for not ever eating anything good and unintentionally sabotaging me; then I would blame him. The depression got worse and I got even fatter.
In August of year, something good happened to me. When you reach the lowest points in life you have two choices: pick yourself up by the boot straps, move forward in a positive direction, or lay down, give up and die. The latter is not an option for me. I went to Albuquerque and Santa Fe where I have always drawn strength and energy from, grounding me and putting me back in touch with me. I had a wonderful visit with my sister who also gave me encouragement. When I came home, there were more confrontations with my husband and also at work, but pretty much, I had decided that I am more important than to allow anyone or anything to interfere with me being happy or with me being the person I am and the person I want to be. Once I stood my ground, everything started to change for the better, or at least I perceive it as such. Vito and I are getting along much better, I am enjoying my home again, I still don't like my job and would rather live in New Mexico, but I am here and I intend to be the best that I can wherever I am. But I am still fat.
What does this all have to do with weight? Everything! In our life, the only thing we have for sure is ourselves, and how can anyone or anything make us happy if we don't like ourselves? I do like myself, and I like myself a lot. I am a great person and I know that in my heart. Although I haven't been showing it for a while, nor treating myself the way I should, I now must take control and take care of me. I deserve nothing less. That means shedding these pounds and getting in shape for the rest of my life. I deserve it.
I would like to think that I will write every day on this blog, but realistically, I probably will not. But I will certainly attempt to do so, and I am counting on Pat to do the same. I believe that between the two of us, we have much to share and we will achieve what we wish to achieve. I only hope that we can inspire others to participate with us in becoming healthy.
Pat and I have dreamed and planned for many years about opening a holistic women's retreat. This is a good first step to encourage each other to take control of our personal power and get healthy. Maybe we can help others along the way.
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